Undoubtedly, one's reasons for blogging are cloudy and ambiguous. Do we put ourselves out there for sympathy or approval or comparison? Is it out of loneliness or a hope for a sense of connection? Do we blog for our distant family or for our innermost self?
I don't try to know the universal answers to these questions. Personally, however, I know that I have enjoyed looking back at my 2.5 years of memories, pictures and notes here. It is good for granting me a sense of progress. It reminds me that no, my older son was no better of a sleeper than our current infant, etc. I would like to believe that I have kept this blog alive as our only sort of family album or journal. From Arizona to Alabama to San Diego to Germany, other books have ended up in the basement, in closets, who knows where, but dear Blogger is always here for reference.
With all this in mind, I would like to write myself a note today, at 1700 Germany time:
Dear Self, Today there was fushcia Martha Stewart glitter sprinkled all over the empty breakfast dishes while you were brushing your teeth. Then there were 750 square toothpicks spilled on the kitchen floor as we tried to leave the house for "Mommy time" of weekly Bible Study. I feel frustrated that no one can tie their own shoes or gauge how much clothing is required for the bitter cold outside. I am flabergasted that it takes no less than 45 minutes just to get out the door with my three kids. I want someone else to be strong enough to unscrew juice cup lids so that I don't have to do the assembly-line myself before I can take my kids to Church childcare. My 1500 survival coffee was forearm-swept off the kitchen counter down inbetween the stove and its adjacent cabinet. I had to stop all routine dish-doing and pull out the oven. There was mopping and wet-wiping and all while the offender complained that he could not get to "his shield" in the pot lid cupboard. It all seems pretty unreal. I feel like I have the wrong temperament and struggle to remind myself how blessed we are to have the resources to buy frivolous things like glitter and multiple pots. It really is true. I am blessed with a burning faith that never leaves me or causes me to doubt that every tough moment with these young children is part of God's plan, but man, I could use a few more kids who could do stuff.
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6 comments:
Oh, my! I feel your....strain. But you know, if you were not constantly leaning into the harness, you would not be plowing ground and neither the children or you would grow. I can sit here as an empty-nester and find humor in the chaos of your daily routine, that you too will enjoy in about 30 years. I now vow to capture all of your blog posts, from the past 2.5 years to get them bound with the photos (if you will help on that end) as your Mommy Memoirs.
Now, KC, don't be so hard on yourself. I often will snap at my children (who I don't see ALL the time, 24 hours a day) and try to relax by asking, "What would KC do?" She would LOVE the fact that there is salt and parmesan all over the freshly vacuumed carpet because she would use it as a learning time to trace letters." Then I get more upset that you are such a fabulous mother and I am a harpy! You are a super mom and I am sort of glad to see that even you, super woman, has those days where you want to lock yourself in your room and never come out! I have them all the time. In fact, I just told Evan today, after he said, "I don't want to see you," and hid his face in a blanket, that, "Good. I don't want to see you either." hahahahahahahaha! PLUS, I bet you didn't scream, "What is WRONG with you?" to your child. That's what I did when Evan smeared pink lip gloss all over my walls, couches, chairs, and beige carpet this past summer. See? You are a saint by comparison. Sometimes, I wonder just how much of a laugh God gets from watching all this insanity!!! Love you and you are the best mom EVER!!!
Thank you for this gentle reminder on why my selfish existence is so terribly unprepared for child rearing!! Although I have to agree with Hil that you are in fact a super mom, it makes me wish even more I was there to help when I read about your terrible day of attacks from the trio!! Hang in there, at least they aren't teenagers...
I already have days like this with just one and then wonder if I really can handle the bigger family that we have always talked about...only God knows, at this point. Wish we were still next store so we could help each other out/commiserate together. Hope to see you all soon!
I am right there with ya girlfriend! Seems like everyday is never-ending cycle of serving food, cleaning up, dressing, undressing, and wiping little bottoms!
Wow, you are an amazing woman, indeed! I can't believe you pulled out the oven.
There is much reward when you are able to say that you raised good people, as I know you are. I'm glad people like you and Ethan are having children. We need more parents like you!
--Alicia
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